A few weeks ago, I got a call from my new lawn guy. He said he was on his way over. The baby was fussy, but lightly dozing. After making sure she was secure, I ran outside to clean up the backyard. Just as I was finishing, I could hear the baby crying. I dropped the bag of poop into a bucket near the gate and fully intended to take it out to the trash the next minute I had free.
Scan forward two weeks, I again head out to the backyard to clean up after the dog. In the two weeks, the area has been hit by torrential downpours and flash flooding. I never went back outside to dump the bag into the trash can out front. The large bucket was now a swirling cesspool of liquid excrement, gag.
I will spare you the gory details, but I cleaned out the bucket, using the disgusting water to fill holes that my dog has been making in the yard. Supposedly the scent will discourage her from digging there anymore. I know it should discourage her from getting anywhere near those holes, but she also likes to roll in dead fish, so we'll see.
The lesson here is tri-fold. 1) If you leave a pile of crap somewhere, you are going to have to deal with it at some point in some way. 2) You can take any situation, no matter how distasteful, and find a way to use it to improve your life or self if you try. 3) Don't leave a bag of poop out in the rain, it isn't pleasant later. The last one is kinda obvious, but just in case you hadn't caught on - it was NASTY!! Really - I was smelling poop for hours. Gross.
My take on lemons to lemonade - have a good one. Also, post a question or comment. You can remain anonymous, but I haven't had a message in awhile asking me to offer advice.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
One day at a time
I haven't had any new letters asking for advice so I am going to share some that my lovely mothers BOTH gave to me tonight. Take one day at a time, don't look at the entire huge task looming ahead, just focus on the day, hour, minute in order to survive.
Many tasks seem impossible at first blush. When I started running two years ago, I thought running a 5k was impossible. Within 3 weeks of starting to jog, I did my first 5k. That was November 1. On February 15, I ran a half-marathon. I didn't do it intending to run 13.1 miles. I did it intending to jog for three minutes and finished being able to jog for 2 1/2 hours.
For those of you who found this blog without knowing about my other one, I am a soldier's wife going through a deployment with a 4 month old baby a thousand miles away from family. Some of my days feel like marathons. And I have to take each day one second at a time.
No matter how horrible or amazing something is right now, the one constant you can count on is it is going to change. Savor the incredible moments because they pass too quickly and realize the horrible ones pass just as quickly, even if they seem to last forever.
Just take one day at a time and you can survive and conquer more than you think possible.
Many tasks seem impossible at first blush. When I started running two years ago, I thought running a 5k was impossible. Within 3 weeks of starting to jog, I did my first 5k. That was November 1. On February 15, I ran a half-marathon. I didn't do it intending to run 13.1 miles. I did it intending to jog for three minutes and finished being able to jog for 2 1/2 hours.
For those of you who found this blog without knowing about my other one, I am a soldier's wife going through a deployment with a 4 month old baby a thousand miles away from family. Some of my days feel like marathons. And I have to take each day one second at a time.
No matter how horrible or amazing something is right now, the one constant you can count on is it is going to change. Savor the incredible moments because they pass too quickly and realize the horrible ones pass just as quickly, even if they seem to last forever.
Just take one day at a time and you can survive and conquer more than you think possible.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Couple Concerns
I guess I am not real computer literate, but it appears you guys can't see the letters unless you click on comments, so I will copy and paste them or parts of them if they a super long. Keep them coming - makes it easier to give advice with a concrete topic.
"My friend is getting married soon to a guy I don't like. He is an ok person, but they don't seem to get along very well. She gets mad at him all the time for how immature he is. I want to tell her not to marry him, but I don't want to make her mad. What do you think I should do?
Friendly"
Dear Friendly,
Many a sitcom has broached this subject, like one person in the couple but not the other or couple friends who fight like dogs. It makes for funny sitcoms, but not so funny when it is your friend in the less than happy couple.
I have been in your shoes a few times. Once I told a dear friend of mine not to marry the girl he was engaged to. They didn't share the same religious values and I thought eventually it would cause a rift between them. She seemed kind of flaky to tell you the truth, but I only knew her through his descriptions of her. I was way too blunt, and I told him I couldn't come to his wedding to support his marriage to someone I didn't think would make him happy. Our friendship has never been the same, but the marriage didn't work out. So I suppose I could call him and say, "told you so." I am sure that would fix it. While what I said might have been the truth, what I said didn't change his mind and certainly didn't do anything for our friendship. While years later, he was able to appreciate that I was right, it made no difference then. Being right, isn't the same as being a friend.
I think you can agree that all people are different and all marriages are different. I am sure people look at my marriage from time to time and wonder how in the world we put up with each other, just as I have looked at other relationships and wondered. Maybe what looks like miserable bickering to you is what makes them work. Give them the benefit of the doubt. If she asks your opinion, you can offer a tempered, tactful opinion, one you can live with if they stay together.
If you see her spending a lot of time really hurting, or suspect the relationship is truly sick, not just unusual, you may need to run the risk of losing your friend to make sure she doesn't lose herself in a horrible relationship. Again, only you know your friend or the situation, but one thing you can maybe say is that he is a good guy and loves you, but is that going to be enough when the honeymoon wears off. Even the best relationship loses some of the bloom after the initial infatuation wanes. If there is nothing but passion and drama holding them together, someday it will be pushing them apart.
To summarize, you should probably not say anything without being asked, unless the circumstances become dire. If you choose to say something, try to be a neutral party, looking out for both of them.
Marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done (before parenting - different topic) as far as love and irritation and passion and frustration and devotion, etc. are concerned. Marriage isn't the same animal for all people and maybe who they are together works, maybe it doesn't. Listen to her, try to get her to look at the relationship herself. We all tend to want to prove our love is real to doubters. Don't be a doubter, just be on her side. She may see the flaws herself or decide they aren't that glaring. Be supportive and loving, that way you can be there if she changes her mind or if she doesn't.
Two caveats - all advice should be taken with a grain of salt. I am no therapist, just lived a lot of crap. Take what I say to heart and make your own choices. 2) if there is any abuse or violence, do anything you can to get her away from it or walk away if it is in your life.
Hope this helps, Friendly.
"My friend is getting married soon to a guy I don't like. He is an ok person, but they don't seem to get along very well. She gets mad at him all the time for how immature he is. I want to tell her not to marry him, but I don't want to make her mad. What do you think I should do?
Friendly"
Dear Friendly,
Many a sitcom has broached this subject, like one person in the couple but not the other or couple friends who fight like dogs. It makes for funny sitcoms, but not so funny when it is your friend in the less than happy couple.
I have been in your shoes a few times. Once I told a dear friend of mine not to marry the girl he was engaged to. They didn't share the same religious values and I thought eventually it would cause a rift between them. She seemed kind of flaky to tell you the truth, but I only knew her through his descriptions of her. I was way too blunt, and I told him I couldn't come to his wedding to support his marriage to someone I didn't think would make him happy. Our friendship has never been the same, but the marriage didn't work out. So I suppose I could call him and say, "told you so." I am sure that would fix it. While what I said might have been the truth, what I said didn't change his mind and certainly didn't do anything for our friendship. While years later, he was able to appreciate that I was right, it made no difference then. Being right, isn't the same as being a friend.
I think you can agree that all people are different and all marriages are different. I am sure people look at my marriage from time to time and wonder how in the world we put up with each other, just as I have looked at other relationships and wondered. Maybe what looks like miserable bickering to you is what makes them work. Give them the benefit of the doubt. If she asks your opinion, you can offer a tempered, tactful opinion, one you can live with if they stay together.
If you see her spending a lot of time really hurting, or suspect the relationship is truly sick, not just unusual, you may need to run the risk of losing your friend to make sure she doesn't lose herself in a horrible relationship. Again, only you know your friend or the situation, but one thing you can maybe say is that he is a good guy and loves you, but is that going to be enough when the honeymoon wears off. Even the best relationship loses some of the bloom after the initial infatuation wanes. If there is nothing but passion and drama holding them together, someday it will be pushing them apart.
To summarize, you should probably not say anything without being asked, unless the circumstances become dire. If you choose to say something, try to be a neutral party, looking out for both of them.
Marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done (before parenting - different topic) as far as love and irritation and passion and frustration and devotion, etc. are concerned. Marriage isn't the same animal for all people and maybe who they are together works, maybe it doesn't. Listen to her, try to get her to look at the relationship herself. We all tend to want to prove our love is real to doubters. Don't be a doubter, just be on her side. She may see the flaws herself or decide they aren't that glaring. Be supportive and loving, that way you can be there if she changes her mind or if she doesn't.
Two caveats - all advice should be taken with a grain of salt. I am no therapist, just lived a lot of crap. Take what I say to heart and make your own choices. 2) if there is any abuse or violence, do anything you can to get her away from it or walk away if it is in your life.
Hope this helps, Friendly.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Drawing the line
Dear Drawing the line,
Divorce is rarely an easy answer to a difficult situation. But you're not alone. Many people struggle with the decision to stay or go. You need to ask yourself a few questions. First and foremost, if his anger is an issue, is he being violent?
I can't tell you if you should get a divorce, but if he is being violent or threatening violence, then a physical separation is necessary. Putting yourself in danger is never a good option. I don't know if you have children, but people often stay for the children, and the children are often harmed emotionally and mentally by the arguing more than we realize. In the August 2010 issue of Parents magazine, an article titled "How to Fight in Front of the Kids" by Margery D. Rosen talks about how no matter how well we think we disguise arguing, it affects even the smallest of children. Older kids internalize the arguments and believe that they are somehow to blame. If you have children, you need to get them away from the fighting immediately.
Then you need to decide if any progress can be made between you if you seek help from some outside source, a pastor, priest, therapist, etc. I would recommend making the effort to give therapy a try. If it works, you've saved your marriage. If it doesn't, you've given your best effort and not walked away from your vows. Even if it doesn't work to save your relationship with your husband, you might gain some insights about yourself as a wife, as a person and as a woman. We tend to date the same issues in different packages over and over. If you don't ever discover what those patterns are and why you fall into them, you may find yourself in a similar situation eventually.
So, get yourself out of physical danger if there is any and seek some professional help. If he won't go, go alone and see what you need to know about yourself. There is a time to stay and a time to draw the line. Only you can decide what that line is. Let me know how it goes. Best Wishes!
Divorce is rarely an easy answer to a difficult situation. But you're not alone. Many people struggle with the decision to stay or go. You need to ask yourself a few questions. First and foremost, if his anger is an issue, is he being violent?
I can't tell you if you should get a divorce, but if he is being violent or threatening violence, then a physical separation is necessary. Putting yourself in danger is never a good option. I don't know if you have children, but people often stay for the children, and the children are often harmed emotionally and mentally by the arguing more than we realize. In the August 2010 issue of Parents magazine, an article titled "How to Fight in Front of the Kids" by Margery D. Rosen talks about how no matter how well we think we disguise arguing, it affects even the smallest of children. Older kids internalize the arguments and believe that they are somehow to blame. If you have children, you need to get them away from the fighting immediately.
Then you need to decide if any progress can be made between you if you seek help from some outside source, a pastor, priest, therapist, etc. I would recommend making the effort to give therapy a try. If it works, you've saved your marriage. If it doesn't, you've given your best effort and not walked away from your vows. Even if it doesn't work to save your relationship with your husband, you might gain some insights about yourself as a wife, as a person and as a woman. We tend to date the same issues in different packages over and over. If you don't ever discover what those patterns are and why you fall into them, you may find yourself in a similar situation eventually.
So, get yourself out of physical danger if there is any and seek some professional help. If he won't go, go alone and see what you need to know about yourself. There is a time to stay and a time to draw the line. Only you can decide what that line is. Let me know how it goes. Best Wishes!
Friday, September 10, 2010
Selling ourselves short
I was watching a television show tonight about a girl who was dating a gay boy. She knew he was gay, wasn't romantically attracted to her, but at 16 was willing to settle for living a fake life with him rather than risk being rejected by someone who might really be interested in her.
While this was a ridiculous caricature, it struck a chord with me. Way too many times in my life, from high school through college and into adulthood, I thought that loving someone who was incapable, undeserving or just a heartless scumbag was sacrificing for love, giving to someone else. I thought that unconditional love was what I was supposed to do, regardless of the deservedness of my target. I wish I could go back and scream some sense into that girl I used to be. I was so afraid no one would ever love me that I stuck myself in relationships with men who didn't really love me, couldn't love me.
I don't think I am alone in this boat. Come on, admit it if you've been paddling along with me at some point. We are programmed to think a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but the bird in the hand is only worth ANYTHING if he willing put himself there and is willing to sacrifice as much as you are.
Real, deep, committed love is worth sacrifice. But don't be a martyr! Find someone who cherishes you and sacrifices for you. My husband and I don't always get it right, but I think we do a pretty good job taking turns. He has days that he has nothing to offer me and needs whatever I can give. I have days I am a disaster and let him fill in the cracks of the dam of my day or was it my dam(n) day? Most days we have a little give and take. I think that kind of love where both give 100% most days, 200% some days and accept 0% on other days is the kind worth fighting for, making concessions and compromising for.
No matter who you are, you are special and unique and deserve the love of someone who cherishes those things about you that make you different. No one should subvert herself hoping to be loved in return. If he/she doesn't love you before you sacrifice or compromise, find someone who will. You are worth holding out for. Don't sell yourself short. Sometimes being alone is WAY BETTER than being lonely with someone.
While this was a ridiculous caricature, it struck a chord with me. Way too many times in my life, from high school through college and into adulthood, I thought that loving someone who was incapable, undeserving or just a heartless scumbag was sacrificing for love, giving to someone else. I thought that unconditional love was what I was supposed to do, regardless of the deservedness of my target. I wish I could go back and scream some sense into that girl I used to be. I was so afraid no one would ever love me that I stuck myself in relationships with men who didn't really love me, couldn't love me.
I don't think I am alone in this boat. Come on, admit it if you've been paddling along with me at some point. We are programmed to think a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but the bird in the hand is only worth ANYTHING if he willing put himself there and is willing to sacrifice as much as you are.
Real, deep, committed love is worth sacrifice. But don't be a martyr! Find someone who cherishes you and sacrifices for you. My husband and I don't always get it right, but I think we do a pretty good job taking turns. He has days that he has nothing to offer me and needs whatever I can give. I have days I am a disaster and let him fill in the cracks of the dam of my day or was it my dam(n) day? Most days we have a little give and take. I think that kind of love where both give 100% most days, 200% some days and accept 0% on other days is the kind worth fighting for, making concessions and compromising for.
No matter who you are, you are special and unique and deserve the love of someone who cherishes those things about you that make you different. No one should subvert herself hoping to be loved in return. If he/she doesn't love you before you sacrifice or compromise, find someone who will. You are worth holding out for. Don't sell yourself short. Sometimes being alone is WAY BETTER than being lonely with someone.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Being a friend: Part 1
What do you do when a friend hurts your feelings? Many of us don't do anything at all externally. We get angry or hurt, but won't go to that person and address it. If we talk about it at all, we talk to someone else, some third party or a friend from another group, like a work friend about a church friend.
Friendship, real friendship, isn't perfect, nor does it expect perfection. I have friends who always call the second I sit down to dinner or talk so much that I never get a word in edgewise, etc. but I love them for who they are and I am able to tease them. I have one friend who is always late. No judgment, just the truth. She is just very optimistic about how long errands or tasks will take and usually misjudges by thirty minutes or so. We love her anyways. Wouldn't it be ridiculous to be angry with her for being late? If she is late 19 out of 20 times, and we know this. Then make plans flexible. My husband can't get out the door on time for anything other than work. He just has two gears, army and leisurely. Is it his problem if he mozies around and makes me late, or mine for not understanding who he is. Maybe both.
In a real friendship, even those within a marriage, the relationship needs to be based at the foundation on accepting each other for who we are, and being able to tell each other how we feel. Sometimes we "politely" ignore someone's behavior that hurts us, but the resentment builds and eventually eats away at our relationship. There are times to let things go, not to say anything because nothing can be gained from saying something. But if I act poorly, I want someone to let me know. I won't be happy about it, will probably feel hurt, angry and embarrassed at first, but I would rather have the chance to apologize and change than to feel like someone I call a friend is pulling away from me or gradually cutting me out of her life.
Why do we choose to tell the truth to complete strangers? Give strangers the benefit of the doubt? or give them the unvarnished truth, but our friends and family, we hold to different standards, and let the seeds of resentment blossom and destroy rather than tell an uncomfortable truth? Why is it when we supposedly hold back the truth in the name of friendship, we often end up with neither the truth or the friend?
Please leave a comment about how you address a friend who has hurt you or if you find it hard too.
Friendship, real friendship, isn't perfect, nor does it expect perfection. I have friends who always call the second I sit down to dinner or talk so much that I never get a word in edgewise, etc. but I love them for who they are and I am able to tease them. I have one friend who is always late. No judgment, just the truth. She is just very optimistic about how long errands or tasks will take and usually misjudges by thirty minutes or so. We love her anyways. Wouldn't it be ridiculous to be angry with her for being late? If she is late 19 out of 20 times, and we know this. Then make plans flexible. My husband can't get out the door on time for anything other than work. He just has two gears, army and leisurely. Is it his problem if he mozies around and makes me late, or mine for not understanding who he is. Maybe both.
In a real friendship, even those within a marriage, the relationship needs to be based at the foundation on accepting each other for who we are, and being able to tell each other how we feel. Sometimes we "politely" ignore someone's behavior that hurts us, but the resentment builds and eventually eats away at our relationship. There are times to let things go, not to say anything because nothing can be gained from saying something. But if I act poorly, I want someone to let me know. I won't be happy about it, will probably feel hurt, angry and embarrassed at first, but I would rather have the chance to apologize and change than to feel like someone I call a friend is pulling away from me or gradually cutting me out of her life.
Why do we choose to tell the truth to complete strangers? Give strangers the benefit of the doubt? or give them the unvarnished truth, but our friends and family, we hold to different standards, and let the seeds of resentment blossom and destroy rather than tell an uncomfortable truth? Why is it when we supposedly hold back the truth in the name of friendship, we often end up with neither the truth or the friend?
Please leave a comment about how you address a friend who has hurt you or if you find it hard too.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Best Laid Plans
Today's Tip from an amateur life coach who offers real advice! The first advice is based on my life. Nothing is under your control. It is an illusion. What you can do is plan. Today I was hit full in the face with a crisis for which I had no plan. My daycare closed due to a power outage and I didn't know what to do. I luckily was able to find a friend to spend the day with my daughter, but it made me realize that things happen. I need to start developing some people who might be able to step in during such a crisis and I need to have a few back up babysitters for emergencies.
Life is messy, complicated and rarely goes according to plan. Too many things are out of our control. The best we can do is to plan for all the things we can think of and hope for the best.
Please leave comments with your questions or situations for which you need an impartial ear. I am a teacher who has been through it all. I am non-judgmental and real. I will give you advice or at least a place to start in tough situations. BEND MY EAR! I dare you!
Life is messy, complicated and rarely goes according to plan. Too many things are out of our control. The best we can do is to plan for all the things we can think of and hope for the best.
Please leave comments with your questions or situations for which you need an impartial ear. I am a teacher who has been through it all. I am non-judgmental and real. I will give you advice or at least a place to start in tough situations. BEND MY EAR! I dare you!
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