Drawing the line

Dear Drawing the line,

Divorce is rarely an easy answer to a difficult situation. But you're not alone. Many people struggle with the decision to stay or go. You need to ask yourself a few questions. First and foremost, if his anger is an issue, is he being violent?

I can't tell you if you should get a divorce, but if he is being violent or threatening violence, then a physical separation is necessary. Putting yourself in danger is never a good option. I don't know if you have children, but people often stay for the children, and the children are often harmed emotionally and mentally by the arguing more than we realize. In the August 2010 issue of Parents magazine, an article titled "How to Fight in Front of the Kids" by Margery D. Rosen talks about how no matter how well we think we disguise arguing, it affects even the smallest of children. Older kids internalize the arguments and believe that they are somehow to blame. If you have children, you need to get them away from the fighting immediately.

Then you need to decide if any progress can be made between you if you seek help from some outside source, a pastor, priest, therapist, etc. I would recommend making the effort to give therapy a try. If it works, you've saved your marriage. If it doesn't, you've given your best effort and not walked away from your vows. Even if it doesn't work to save your relationship with your husband, you might gain some insights about yourself as a wife, as a person and as a woman. We tend to date the same issues in different packages over and over. If you don't ever discover what those patterns are and why you fall into them, you may find yourself in a similar situation eventually.

So, get yourself out of physical danger if there is any and seek some professional help. If he won't go, go alone and see what you need to know about yourself. There is a time to stay and a time to draw the line. Only you can decide what that line is. Let me know how it goes. Best Wishes!

Selling ourselves short

I was watching a television show tonight about a girl who was dating a gay boy. She knew he was gay, wasn't romantically attracted to her, but at 16 was willing to settle for living a fake life with him rather than risk being rejected by someone who might really be interested in her.

While this was a ridiculous caricature, it struck a chord with me. Way too many times in my life, from high school through college and into adulthood, I thought that loving someone who was incapable, undeserving or just a heartless scumbag was sacrificing for love, giving to someone else. I thought that unconditional love was what I was supposed to do, regardless of the deservedness of my target. I wish I could go back and scream some sense into that girl I used to be. I was so afraid no one would ever love me that I stuck myself in relationships with men who didn't really love me, couldn't love me.

I don't think I am alone in this boat. Come on, admit it if you've been paddling along with me at some point. We are programmed to think a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but the bird in the hand is only worth ANYTHING if he willing put himself there and is willing to sacrifice as much as you are.

Real, deep, committed love is worth sacrifice. But don't be a martyr! Find someone who cherishes you and sacrifices for you. My husband and I don't always get it right, but I think we do a pretty good job taking turns. He has days that he has nothing to offer me and needs whatever I can give. I have days I am a disaster and let him fill in the cracks of the dam of my day or was it my dam(n) day? Most days we have a little give and take. I think that kind of love where both give 100% most days, 200% some days and accept 0% on other days is the kind worth fighting for, making concessions and compromising for.

No matter who you are, you are special and unique and deserve the love of someone who cherishes those things about you that make you different. No one should subvert herself hoping to be loved in return. If he/she doesn't love you before you sacrifice or compromise, find someone who will. You are worth holding out for. Don't sell yourself short. Sometimes being alone is WAY BETTER than being lonely with someone.

Being a friend: Part 1

What do you do when a friend hurts your feelings? Many of us don't do anything at all externally. We get angry or hurt, but won't go to that person and address it. If we talk about it at all, we talk to someone else, some third party or a friend from another group, like a work friend about a church friend.

Friendship, real friendship, isn't perfect, nor does it expect perfection. I have friends who always call the second I sit down to dinner or talk so much that I never get a word in edgewise, etc. but I love them for who they are and I am able to tease them. I have one friend who is always late. No judgment, just the truth. She is just very optimistic about how long errands or tasks will take and usually misjudges by thirty minutes or so. We love her anyways. Wouldn't it be ridiculous to be angry with her for being late? If she is late 19 out of 20 times, and we know this. Then make plans flexible. My husband can't get out the door on time for anything other than work. He just has two gears, army and leisurely. Is it his problem if he mozies around and makes me late, or mine for not understanding who he is. Maybe both.

In a real friendship, even those within a marriage, the relationship needs to be based at the foundation on accepting each other for who we are, and being able to tell each other how we feel. Sometimes we "politely" ignore someone's behavior that hurts us, but the resentment builds and eventually eats away at our relationship. There are times to let things go, not to say anything because nothing can be gained from saying something. But if I act poorly, I want someone to let me know. I won't be happy about it, will probably feel hurt, angry and embarrassed at first, but I would rather have the chance to apologize and change than to feel like someone I call a friend is pulling away from me or gradually cutting me out of her life.

Why do we choose to tell the truth to complete strangers? Give strangers the benefit of the doubt? or give them the unvarnished truth, but our friends and family, we hold to different standards, and let the seeds of resentment blossom and destroy rather than tell an uncomfortable truth? Why is it when we supposedly hold back the truth in the name of friendship, we often end up with neither the truth or the friend?

Please leave a comment about how you address a friend who has hurt you or if you find it hard too.