Couple Concerns

I guess I am not real computer literate, but it appears you guys can't see the letters unless you click on comments, so I will copy and paste them or parts of them if they a super long. Keep them coming - makes it easier to give advice with a concrete topic.

"My friend is getting married soon to a guy I don't like. He is an ok person, but they don't seem to get along very well. She gets mad at him all the time for how immature he is. I want to tell her not to marry him, but I don't want to make her mad. What do you think I should do?

Friendly"

Dear Friendly,

Many a sitcom has broached this subject, like one person in the couple but not the other or couple friends who fight like dogs. It makes for funny sitcoms, but not so funny when it is your friend in the less than happy couple.

I have been in your shoes a few times. Once I told a dear friend of mine not to marry the girl he was engaged to. They didn't share the same religious values and I thought eventually it would cause a rift between them. She seemed kind of flaky to tell you the truth, but I only knew her through his descriptions of her. I was way too blunt, and I told him I couldn't come to his wedding to support his marriage to someone I didn't think would make him happy. Our friendship has never been the same, but the marriage didn't work out. So I suppose I could call him and say, "told you so." I am sure that would fix it. While what I said might have been the truth, what I said didn't change his mind and certainly didn't do anything for our friendship. While years later, he was able to appreciate that I was right, it made no difference then. Being right, isn't the same as being a friend.


I think you can agree that all people are different and all marriages are different. I am sure people look at my marriage from time to time and wonder how in the world we put up with each other, just as I have looked at other relationships and wondered. Maybe what looks like miserable bickering to you is what makes them work. Give them the benefit of the doubt. If she asks your opinion, you can offer a tempered, tactful opinion, one you can live with if they stay together.

If you see her spending a lot of time really hurting, or suspect the relationship is truly sick, not just unusual, you may need to run the risk of losing your friend to make sure she doesn't lose herself in a horrible relationship. Again, only you know your friend or the situation, but one thing you can maybe say is that he is a good guy and loves you, but is that going to be enough when the honeymoon wears off. Even the best relationship loses some of the bloom after the initial infatuation wanes. If there is nothing but passion and drama holding them together, someday it will be pushing them apart.

To summarize, you should probably not say anything without being asked, unless the circumstances become dire. If you choose to say something, try to be a neutral party, looking out for both of them.
Marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done (before parenting - different topic) as far as love and irritation and passion and frustration and devotion, etc. are concerned. Marriage isn't the same animal for all people and maybe who they are together works, maybe it doesn't. Listen to her, try to get her to look at the relationship herself. We all tend to want to prove our love is real to doubters. Don't be a doubter, just be on her side. She may see the flaws herself or decide they aren't that glaring. Be supportive and loving, that way you can be there if she changes her mind or if she doesn't.

Two caveats - all advice should be taken with a grain of salt. I am no therapist, just lived a lot of crap. Take what I say to heart and make your own choices. 2) if there is any abuse or violence, do anything you can to get her away from it or walk away if it is in your life.

Hope this helps, Friendly.

Being a friend: Part 1

What do you do when a friend hurts your feelings? Many of us don't do anything at all externally. We get angry or hurt, but won't go to that person and address it. If we talk about it at all, we talk to someone else, some third party or a friend from another group, like a work friend about a church friend.

Friendship, real friendship, isn't perfect, nor does it expect perfection. I have friends who always call the second I sit down to dinner or talk so much that I never get a word in edgewise, etc. but I love them for who they are and I am able to tease them. I have one friend who is always late. No judgment, just the truth. She is just very optimistic about how long errands or tasks will take and usually misjudges by thirty minutes or so. We love her anyways. Wouldn't it be ridiculous to be angry with her for being late? If she is late 19 out of 20 times, and we know this. Then make plans flexible. My husband can't get out the door on time for anything other than work. He just has two gears, army and leisurely. Is it his problem if he mozies around and makes me late, or mine for not understanding who he is. Maybe both.

In a real friendship, even those within a marriage, the relationship needs to be based at the foundation on accepting each other for who we are, and being able to tell each other how we feel. Sometimes we "politely" ignore someone's behavior that hurts us, but the resentment builds and eventually eats away at our relationship. There are times to let things go, not to say anything because nothing can be gained from saying something. But if I act poorly, I want someone to let me know. I won't be happy about it, will probably feel hurt, angry and embarrassed at first, but I would rather have the chance to apologize and change than to feel like someone I call a friend is pulling away from me or gradually cutting me out of her life.

Why do we choose to tell the truth to complete strangers? Give strangers the benefit of the doubt? or give them the unvarnished truth, but our friends and family, we hold to different standards, and let the seeds of resentment blossom and destroy rather than tell an uncomfortable truth? Why is it when we supposedly hold back the truth in the name of friendship, we often end up with neither the truth or the friend?

Please leave a comment about how you address a friend who has hurt you or if you find it hard too.