Couple Concerns

I guess I am not real computer literate, but it appears you guys can't see the letters unless you click on comments, so I will copy and paste them or parts of them if they a super long. Keep them coming - makes it easier to give advice with a concrete topic.

"My friend is getting married soon to a guy I don't like. He is an ok person, but they don't seem to get along very well. She gets mad at him all the time for how immature he is. I want to tell her not to marry him, but I don't want to make her mad. What do you think I should do?

Friendly"

Dear Friendly,

Many a sitcom has broached this subject, like one person in the couple but not the other or couple friends who fight like dogs. It makes for funny sitcoms, but not so funny when it is your friend in the less than happy couple.

I have been in your shoes a few times. Once I told a dear friend of mine not to marry the girl he was engaged to. They didn't share the same religious values and I thought eventually it would cause a rift between them. She seemed kind of flaky to tell you the truth, but I only knew her through his descriptions of her. I was way too blunt, and I told him I couldn't come to his wedding to support his marriage to someone I didn't think would make him happy. Our friendship has never been the same, but the marriage didn't work out. So I suppose I could call him and say, "told you so." I am sure that would fix it. While what I said might have been the truth, what I said didn't change his mind and certainly didn't do anything for our friendship. While years later, he was able to appreciate that I was right, it made no difference then. Being right, isn't the same as being a friend.


I think you can agree that all people are different and all marriages are different. I am sure people look at my marriage from time to time and wonder how in the world we put up with each other, just as I have looked at other relationships and wondered. Maybe what looks like miserable bickering to you is what makes them work. Give them the benefit of the doubt. If she asks your opinion, you can offer a tempered, tactful opinion, one you can live with if they stay together.

If you see her spending a lot of time really hurting, or suspect the relationship is truly sick, not just unusual, you may need to run the risk of losing your friend to make sure she doesn't lose herself in a horrible relationship. Again, only you know your friend or the situation, but one thing you can maybe say is that he is a good guy and loves you, but is that going to be enough when the honeymoon wears off. Even the best relationship loses some of the bloom after the initial infatuation wanes. If there is nothing but passion and drama holding them together, someday it will be pushing them apart.

To summarize, you should probably not say anything without being asked, unless the circumstances become dire. If you choose to say something, try to be a neutral party, looking out for both of them.
Marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done (before parenting - different topic) as far as love and irritation and passion and frustration and devotion, etc. are concerned. Marriage isn't the same animal for all people and maybe who they are together works, maybe it doesn't. Listen to her, try to get her to look at the relationship herself. We all tend to want to prove our love is real to doubters. Don't be a doubter, just be on her side. She may see the flaws herself or decide they aren't that glaring. Be supportive and loving, that way you can be there if she changes her mind or if she doesn't.

Two caveats - all advice should be taken with a grain of salt. I am no therapist, just lived a lot of crap. Take what I say to heart and make your own choices. 2) if there is any abuse or violence, do anything you can to get her away from it or walk away if it is in your life.

Hope this helps, Friendly.

Drawing the line

Dear Drawing the line,

Divorce is rarely an easy answer to a difficult situation. But you're not alone. Many people struggle with the decision to stay or go. You need to ask yourself a few questions. First and foremost, if his anger is an issue, is he being violent?

I can't tell you if you should get a divorce, but if he is being violent or threatening violence, then a physical separation is necessary. Putting yourself in danger is never a good option. I don't know if you have children, but people often stay for the children, and the children are often harmed emotionally and mentally by the arguing more than we realize. In the August 2010 issue of Parents magazine, an article titled "How to Fight in Front of the Kids" by Margery D. Rosen talks about how no matter how well we think we disguise arguing, it affects even the smallest of children. Older kids internalize the arguments and believe that they are somehow to blame. If you have children, you need to get them away from the fighting immediately.

Then you need to decide if any progress can be made between you if you seek help from some outside source, a pastor, priest, therapist, etc. I would recommend making the effort to give therapy a try. If it works, you've saved your marriage. If it doesn't, you've given your best effort and not walked away from your vows. Even if it doesn't work to save your relationship with your husband, you might gain some insights about yourself as a wife, as a person and as a woman. We tend to date the same issues in different packages over and over. If you don't ever discover what those patterns are and why you fall into them, you may find yourself in a similar situation eventually.

So, get yourself out of physical danger if there is any and seek some professional help. If he won't go, go alone and see what you need to know about yourself. There is a time to stay and a time to draw the line. Only you can decide what that line is. Let me know how it goes. Best Wishes!